Singaling Press. December 7th, 2018.
Massachusetts Democratic Sen. Elizabeth Warren held a press conference this morning in Washington D.C. to announce some personal changes in her life that she promised would help shed new light on where she is at as she prepares her run for POTUS in 2020. Elizabeth firstly announced she is no longer identifying as a Native Person, stating that being a Native is “So yesterday”, she proudly proclaimed her new identity as a Tuna Fish Sandwich that believes it’s a LGBTQ, Gender-Neutral dolphin with a Pirate fetish! Said Elizabeth, “I’m proud of my new identity”, adding, “Even though I’m now identifying as a Tuna Fish sandwich, I don’t discriminate against people who also identify as one, but prefer to be addressed as Tuna Fish sandwiches that are made with Hellmann’s mayonnaise, as opposed to classic mayonnaise. Personally speaking, I think Hellmann’s is gross and the thought of it makes me puke, but each to their own!”
Elizabeth also surprised the reporters gathered at the press conference by announcing that she has converted to Scientology. She stated to the press, “I have been on a decades – long quest for spiritual fulfillment and have come to realize that Scientology is the sanest and clearest path to spiritual enlightenment. I have put all my faith and trust in this Religion. The people at Scientology Headquarters have been so helpful, and even gave me a discount on my yearly donations to the Church. They also explained to me that banking is a heavy chore for most people. As a Senator, I haven’t got enough time to do much banking. So the Church has helpfully taken over my bank accounts and will now take care of my finances and income, and my donations to the Church! I am so blessed and trust them fully to take care of all my financial needs!”
Elizabeth also touched on her pending run for POTUS in 2020. She remarked, “I will run for POTUS, yes, and I believe with my new-found identity and faith in my Church that I am equipped to lead America to new heights in 2020. I know there will be some critics who will doubt and even oppose me, but I’m ready to do battle and stand for values that so many Americans hold dear. I will stand for abortion rights, green fees, free chapstick and toiletries for all, free gummy bears for the disenfranchised, free health care for the living and the dead, and also free education for all peoples in the US of A. And I will, of course, oppose the wall. We need open boarders. How else will we ever survive as a nation if we don’t let people in on mass? What could possibly go wrong? Of course, in order to feed, house and educate new immigrants, we’ll need to raise taxes by 10,000% per year! I am prepared to do all of this as POTUS if Americans will just elect me. I am the best choice by far! If you don’t believe me, just ask my Cherokee Chief Elder, Chief Talking Bull!”
Stay tuned for more news updates as we continue to bring you all the late breaking news right here on Singaling Press News. SL.
*** The preceding New Story is a spoof only. Had this been a real story, Elizabeth Warren would have been dragged kicking and screaming to a mental institution. Not that it couldn’t possibly happen in the near future for real anyways. – SL.